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Coping With a Loved One’s Terminal Illness

The Best of Times News -- November 2006

By Karen Kersten

Understand Grief - The first emotion experienced is the shock of discovering that the illness is terminal. During these initial moments, the family feels overwhelmed. Actions and reactions are chaotic as each family member tries to make sense of the news. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has written eloquently about the grieving process. She explains that the initial stage involves feelings of numbness, disorientation, and confusion. She describes the next emotion as frustration and even anger.  After anger comes the need to bargain with the truth. Once the reality sets in that the illness is life threatening, then family members may experience depression or its many facets. It is important for you to find emotional support as soon as possible.

Seek Support – Support is crucial during this critical time in your life and the lives of your family. Stay in close touch with friends. Allow them to help. Accept their offers to bring you a meal or to baby-sit/pet sit. Seek spiritual help – Comfort, inspiration, guidance and peace come with spiritual support. Do not hesitate to reach out for assistance. Consider professional help – Know that excellent mental health resources are available in this area. Caring professionals will assist in helping you through this very difficult time.

Expect the Unexpected - Expect that people cope in very different ways! One person may offer lots of hands-on support, another may avoid contact. One relative may be very quiet, another unusually irritable. Yet another may cry often or may talk frequently and openly. Be tolerant of the different ways in which each of you manage emotions.

Stay Informed – Education is a key player in this life event – learn all you can about the illness, about the grieving process and about caring for your loved one – physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually. Be open to learning about these dynamics for yourself as well. Again, be open to learning about the illness, its potential stages and effects on the patient so that you can be ready to handle what comes next. Knowledge is power. The more informed you are about the unfolding of events, the less stress you will likely experience.

Maintain Your Own Wellness – By working to remain healthy – both physically and mentally, you will be better equipped to assist in the care of your loved one. Grief can be shown in different ways. Sleep may last for only an hour or two at a time, if at all. Feeling tired, even exhausted is not uncommon. Concentration difficulties may manifest with bouts of short-term memory problems. Take steps to eat well and get your rest (a goal of sleeping 7 hours a night, if possible!) And please accept the body’s need to cry! Many of my clients resist this most natural process. Crying is therapeutic – it is your body’s way of releasing tension. Reexamine your priorities. If you need extra time off from your job, ask for that. You only get this one last chance to be with your loved one through his or her time of need.

In the tradition of saving the best for last, I firmly and resolutely believe that attitude is most important! Stay as positive as you can. Use your situation as a reminder of one of life’s greatest lessons…enjoy the moment! Savor it in fact. Treat each day tenderly as the precious gift that it truly is.

Karen Kersten is the Director of Education at The Center for Families and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Her family recently faced the devastation and challenges of terminal illness. At the very last moment, an organ transplant reminded Karen of what she had just written…expect the unexpected!